I don't know how to start this but I really wanna pour my heart out.
Let's just say that the past year I had been at the highest, and at the same time, the lowest point of my life.
The Highest. He came into my life at "the perfect time" but in a worst way possible. At that time I just started living on my own, far from home and mom. It was not easy and at one point I became so stressed out and depressed and I looked for an escape and he was the I one I knew could help me with that. So we went out, did silly stuffs, and that was when everything started. That was when my vulnerability revealed even the one buried in my subconscious mind. Then, things started to get weird. We got closer and closer to the point that I opened up, fell so deep in love, and got attached.
I, in the first place, knew and was fully aware that I just started something really really bad but I went on. Hoping that I could ditch away the angel of me and just turn to the bad bad side of me who that time really enjoyed everything for the first time. Unconditional attention, sweet compliments, warm hugs, shoulders to lean on, a chest to cry on, a number to call, someone I can get mad at but will still stay, someone who actually needs me (I like to be needed)--just everything. And he was indeed everything to me.
Never have I ever thought of having someone who will look at me in the eyes like that. Someone who needs me, who sometimes even begs just to talk to me. Someone who makes sure that I'm okay.... Have never been a hundred percent open to a person. You are the first exception I ever made. I let you in, I let you know everything. I put no walls up around. I let all of my doors open for you. I don't know why I just did. Cause even in the very beginning, I knew I can trust you with everything I have. And I was not wrong.
I thought things will go all fun and fine. But then as I got more dependent on you cause we spent a lot, like a lot, of time together, I started to want more. I want him whole and I want to be the only person and not anything else.
The Lowest. Things started to crumble when I realized that there is no future for us. He confirmed that by saying there is no way he would end up being with anyone else. I was not in any way hoping for it "to go that far" but then what is the point of all this? What am I?
I started to feel really sad and labeling myself with sad stuffs. The intruder, a slut, the second option, a toy, even a pit stop. A fucking pit stop. Well, I think I am. Cause according to what he said somehow it implies that I'm nothing than just a getaway from his dull relationship that he wants to light up a little and then, as time goes by, he hopes that I will get bored and leave and he will get bored and leave and then we become completely nothing and he can just go on with his life and me with my life. But no. No. I want this to be forever. And this demand that I know will never ever happen started to bug me.
Tired from crying and looking at my self so low (cause all this making my self-worth went minus while it was always at zero), I started to plan to leave. Well, at first I communicated this fear (though implicitly) to him that I don't want him to go. But apparently, he didn't get the signal. He always said, to comfort me, that he will not go anywhere but the fact is he WILL go anywhere cause he has to. There was a boundary, a rule I needed to obey, and I always had to wait. And wait. And wait. When I needed him he was not always there and I hate it. So much. We always had to go in secrecy. Always had to be very cautious. Cause we are just wrong. It was silly and tiring.
It's like I give him my all but he doesn't. And that thought hurts like hell.
I attempted to leave once but then shit happened and I stayed. But still. The demand was still there. My desire to want him whole was still there. And things didn't change. He didn't change (or he just didn't want to change anything) and I got tired. Really really tired of crying my eyes out too often. It was really unhealthy but to end it all was not an easy decision also. But I knew I need to do it sometime, somehow, and thank God I finally did.
I did.
Still has not stop crying until now but I surely start to regain my self-worth.
Do I want to forget him? Do I hate him? Do I want to ditch him from my life? No. Not at all.
I still love him.Very very much. And I think these feelings will never go away. Cause he just means so so much to me. That much. He saved me and I want to keep him forever. But, I decided for things to go a different way by making this distance. Cause this is the only way I can take to gain back my sanity and stop waiting for miracle to happen cause, according to you, that will not.
You. If you ever stop by and read this, I just want to tell you that I love you. So much. You are everything to me. You mean so much to me. But things will never go the way I want it to and it hurts. It hurts like hell and I cannot take it anymore. I want to love myself, too.
Please understand (I think you do, don't you?) and hopefully things will go back to normal after this. Cause I don't want to lose you. You are my bestest friend.
And to God I always pray for you to be okay, to be happy, to be surrounded by good people, to be successful, and just to be blessed. Cause when people say that praying is the most sincere way to love someone, well, I think it's true now. Up until now, you are always in my prayer.
If "our paths" would ever collide again, I really hope that things would change so we could be together again and continue our journey filled with just laugh and love. This is my only hope for us. And I do not want to lose this hope no matter how it will turn out in the future.
I love you. See you around.